The Marital Defense Hypothesis
by Tuesday Pajamas
Summary: When the recently engaged Sheldon returns home, Penny's not quite sure what to make of his new pragmatic attitude. (Set after the proposal scene in 10.24) This is a little Shenny-banter one shot. Please review as there's so few of us here now.


The pale, yet handsome physicist, had barely got through explaining what happened at Princeton with Amy, when two slender tanned arms were flung about his neck and they were now spinning round the apartment of 4A, as if locked in a pirouette. "OMG, Sheldon!" she shrilled into his reluctant ear. "You proposed to Amy?"

"Yes, I-I proposed..." he managed to breath, on the third spin, "…and can I also propose… that we stop rotating?"

"Sorry…" she squeaked, releasing her prey, with an excited bounce. "What did she say?"

"She said "yes", after some persuasion."

"Persuasion? I thought Amy would bite your hand off to get to that ring."

His brow furrowed and he replied in his usual direct manner. "No, I still have both my hands but she was a little angered by my logic..."

"Oh no, what did you say?" Penny sighed, not entirely surprised that Sheldon could have messed up such an important moment.

"Me? I assure you that I'm completely innocent…" he said, offended at the suggestion, he'd already had enough accusations from Amy. "As I said, Amy was angered by my logic but once I explained everything fully, she suggested a lightening-fast engagement."

"A lightening-fast engagement, so that's at least two years, right?" Penny said, with a mocking expression.

"Two weeks," he corrected defiantly, bright blue eyes wide and slightly terrified.

"Sorry what?"

"We will be married the following Saturday."

The blonde remained fixed to the spot, her lip curled in confusion. Amy had shared her perfect fan-fiction style wedding, with Penny and Bernadette over many a girls' night. "I want a huge lush affair," she would gush excitedly. "With an orchestra of harp players, rare flowers like those cultivated in the bio-lab and of course, dancing. Lots of dancing! I'll make sure we invite everyone, all our families, friends, colleagues and even some of the mean girls from high school, just to show them that Amy Farrah Fowler has landed the smartest, hottest man at Caltech. Just you wait!" she would say, proudly grinning from ear to ear. There was no way to plan anything like this in two weeks, and she remembers Amy horror at Howard and Bernadette's rushed nuptials, so something was definitely off. "That doesn't sound like Amy at all." She said. "Are you sure she wants to marry in two weeks time?"

"Well that part was her idea," he said softly. "After she called me a libertine."

"A what?"

"A man of ill-repute. She also called me a Casanova and a gigolo."

A little choke of surprise escaped her throat. "You! A gigolo?" she chuckled.

"Don't be so surprised," he said. "It was a natural reaction to the severity of the situation."

Penny was utterly confused now, and although it sounded as though Sheldon had been unfaithful she knew that this was impossible. Her nerves prickled as the reminder of her own wedding day, when Leonard confessed that he'd made-out with someone from his work, washed over her. Surely Sheldon hadn't done anything like that, she felt a little afraid to ask and the question came out a little harsher than she expected. "The severity of what situation?"

"My undeniable sex appeal, of course."

"Ohhhhh, _haaaaahaaaa_!"

He frowned back at this response. "It's simply the way it is, Penny. I am not to blame for the rampant carnality that I inspire in the opposite sex. It's beyond my power, I assure you…"

The blonde raised her hand in protest, hoping to block the barrage of unwanted information that she thought he was about to unleash on her. The intimate details of their physical relationship was something she never wanted to hear about. She'd chosen not to think too much about the infrequent reward-system intimacy they had in place, there was something of the macabre in those thoughts. Unfortunately, the hand gesture did not defer her companion from continuing, "…the poor wretched and undisciplined creature could hardly contain herself…"

" _Heeeey!_ " Penny frowned. "That's no way to talk about Amy."

"I'm not talking about Amy," he said. "I'm talking about Ramona."

"Ohhhh! I get it now. What did she do?" the blonde sighed, as the pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place.

"She attacked me with her lips!" A tiny smile stirred at the corners of Penny's mouth as she tried to fight her amusement at his choice of words.

"Laugh if you will, but this is serious," he huffed. "On your advice, I carefully explained to Ramona that I was spoken for and the next minute her face was bearing down on me like a horse on a bit."

"Well, I did try to warn you. Ramona had that look in her eye. I know it well. Kevin Fisher had that same look in his eye at my brothers 21st birthday party. Just before he tried to corner me by the corn-mulcher," she said.

"How did you handle that situation?" he asked with interest.

"I kicked him into a large pile of cow dung."

"Huh! Caltech is a little thin on cow dung."

"Shame," she said, and they nodded in unison. "So that's why Amy wants a quick marriage?"

"I think so, at first she was just furious and planned to spike Ramona's coffee with something from Bernadette's lab."

"Oh god no!"

"Of course I told her that she shouldn't do that."

 _"Phew!"_

"I said that one act of criminal homicide wouldn't protect me from what was to come."

"What do you mean, what is to come?" she asked cautiously.

"I am a man of science, Penny. I never notice the advance of a seductress. My considerable sexual magnetism has only just come to our attention." She smiled openly at his back as he turned away to walk towards his spot on the couch, stopping momentarily to ponder. "Heaven knows how many fantasies and depravities I have ignited down the halls of Caltech."

"Heaven knows." she chuckled, as she sat down alongside her jittery companion, who began to thumb through the takeout menus on the coffee table.

"Don't worry, Sheldon," Penny tried to reassure, "You can learn how to deal with unwanted sexual advances, just like I did."

"We've already discussed the lack of cow dung," he groaned and on discovering that Leonard had been branching out to several new establishments, he dropped the menus back on the table.

"There are other ways," she said.

"Such as?"

"You walked away."

"Yes, I walked away. Then I walked out of the university, into a cab, to the airport, into another cab, to Amy's office to propose."

"I get your point." She was staring into space with faraway eyes. "It is kind of romantic though," she said.

"Funny you should say that because Amy told me that proposing after I'd been orally assaulted, was _not romantic_."

"It's better than I got." she said, jumping out of her seat to get some drinks from the fridge and the words just absentminded came out. "I wish Leonard had walked away from Mandy."

"He was on a boat on the North Sea, he would have drown."

She gave him her angry face as he smirked at his own joke. "You know what I mean." She said, avoiding his eyes to peer into the fridge. It was only just accruing to Penny how easy it would be to trust Sheldon as a partner. For all those annoying little traits, she knew without a shadow of a doubt that Sheldon was never going to cheat on anyone. Amy had that assurance.

Or did she?

A little doubt ignited inside. Perhaps Amy didn't have it. Perhaps none of them really knew Sheldon that well when it came to his desires because none of them thought he had any. They were all concerned about Ramona's intentions and Amy's panicked Skype call showed that she wasn't feeling that secure either. That lack of trust was familiar, it reminded her of Leonard and she felt a little guilty for having encouraged it.

Sheldon had been pondering the situation himself and had come up with his own solution. "Right then, I will instruct Raj, Howard and Leonard that I am never to be left alone with a female colleague of reproductive age."

"Oh no, you can't live like that, Sheldon. I'm sure Ramona will get the message now and if she hasn't, we've got your back."

"Yes, but what about the next one."

"The what?"

"…and the one after that."

"You think there will be more?"

"Oh course there will be more. Somehow the fact that I have engaged in coitus has been noticed on a chemical level, the bees will be swarming all over my genotype honey."

The lip curled at him. _"Really?"_

"It's basis biology, Penny. The university halls are like an enzymatic soup teaming with several thousand individuals hormonal emissions."

"Eww."

"Now they know I'm on the menu, I'll be constantly under siege."

"Don't be silly, Sheldon, they're all super smart and know about these things, right."

"Ramona was super smart and research suggests the higher the intellect, the more chance of infidelity and shenanigans of that sort."

"Not in my neighborhood."

"Well, cornhuskers notwithstanding, high infidelity amongst the smart is a statistic fact."

"So the smart hormones at Caltech are like in the summertime, when love is in the air and everyone is mingling and partying and checking everyone else out..." She began to move her hands in a circular motion, which caused him to grimace and screw up his nose.

"Unfortunately yes," he relented.

"And next minute you're up against a corn-mulcher."

"Or a whiteboard."

Although not entirely convinced that Sheldon was going to find himself pressed up against a whiteboard on a regular basis, she decided to follow his train of thought, as this was something that Leonard was never comfortable to discuss with her. Grabbing two bottles, she closed the fridge. "You know, I think I know how you feel, Sheldon. It wasn't only Kevin Fisher who tried his luck at my brothers 21st birthday. All his little friends did as well, I've felt like a piece of meat at times."

"Me too!" he gasped. "When Ramona's lips were on mine, I feel like a premium gamete."

"A what?"

"In my case, a sperm cell! I know the mechanics of attraction, Penny, but I only know them in principle. I know that the young men at your brothers party responded to your symmetrical proportions and corn-breed vigor which are considered attractive and therefore sort after."

"Considered attractive?" she teased.

He swallowed hard, to think of another way to say it. "You were actively pursed by large numbers of the opposite sex."

"Sure, I guess so."

"Certain individuals are desirable, prized on a basis biological level and I now fear that I am one of them."

"Yup, you're candy," she giggled.

"I'm the intellectual equivalent of a duty-free Toblerone, to a sugar addict." He snarled, remembering Ramona's chocolate bribe.

"Well, there's always pressure when other people notice you. I've lived with it my whole life."

"Yes, I suppose you have and yet none of them are aware of the biological imperative behind their actions," he spat.

"Guys will say anything to get what they want."

"And brilliant female scholars, will lure you with tantalizing tales of CERN."

"That harlot," she joked.

"I know! And if that wasn't bad enough she brought me lunch, right before she swooped in." He was shaking his head at what he saw as the betrayal.

Penny pouted a little and said. "Sounds like she put in the effort, all Kevin did was take out his gum and stick it to a tree."

"They play their tricksy games on us, Penny but in the end it's all just DNA doing all the luring."

"Huh, I thought it was my hot pants."

"Those greasy youths at your brothers party were driven by a much greater force than hot pants," he said.

"Homebrew?"

"The biological exchange, Penny."

"How… romantic?" she winced.

He narrowed his eyes. "What you call romance is simply a dark twisted game of cellular ambush."

"My god that's so true. It was like an ambush! You think they are being friendly and next minute their hand is up your 'Happy Feet' tee," she said, landing back down on the couch with a jolt and placing a bottle of water down in front of him, even though he hadn't asked for it.

He grabbed up the bottle with some force and waved it in the air as he spoke. "My adrenal gland must be on overdrive. I apologize for any attraction you may be feeling for me."

"Huh?"

"Maybe attraction is not the right word," he said.

"I'm pretty sure it isn't."

"Receptiveness, may be more accurate," he seemed to pondering this to himself.

"All right then you gigolo," she mocked. "I apologize for all the tight tops I used to wear."

"Thank you," this sounded genuine, "They were very distracting."

"They were?"

"Well, I did find myself dropping my graze 35% more frequently than I normally would. I suppose there is some biological reason for that kind of reaction."

"Well I'll be damned," Penny hushed.

He opened the cap of his water bottle and took a sip. "Awakening my sexuality has had unforeseen circumstances and there will be more. Some of them, will affect you and I'm sorry for any inconvenience that may cause. If only I had hypothesized before taking such an important step I could have attempted to make myself less alluring."

Penny was staring back with a puzzled frown. "What do you mean 'some of it will affect you'?" she snarled.

Sheldon seemed lost in his own world and he was definitely talking to himself. "Hmmm, not right now but if I'm not mistaken it's going to take a lot longer to register with you. Your stubborn cerebral cortex takes just about as long as mine does to accept change, Penny. I'm quite astonished at how alike we are on this."

"We're not alike," she protested.

"Oh Penny," he said, "One day you'll wake up and realize that you chose the wrong neighbor. You'll see how fulfilled Amy is as my partner compared to your own hapless marriage and you'll wish to hell you could go back in time and accept that date I offered you, before I started dating Amy. Oh poor Penny. It'll be too late, I'll already be married."

There was absolute silence, as Penny sat there not entirely sure if he was serious or not. Unblinking, she stared at him waiting for the 'Bazinga' which didn't come. Then her blood being to boil, and the old rivalry between them sparked to life.

"Okay Sheldon, picture this. One day you'll wake up to the fact that everything you feel for Amy was arranged using a carefully crafted campaign of manipulation, which she first perfected on her chimps at work. Oh poor Sheldon. You'll be trapped living with an artificial feeling you can't let go of, and you'll wish could have something real, like me."

"Don't do that" Sheldon whined.

"You did it to me first!" she fired back and they sat in silence for a few moments.

"Well," he said, clearing his throat. "It seems my logic makes most women angry."

"Well, daaaah!" Penny said. "You can't go round telling girls that one day they'll realize they picked the wrong guy."

"I suppose not. Let's not play that game."

"Let's not."

Penny could see that he was itching to say something else. The little vein on his forehead began to pulse, the one that activates when he's bottling up his thoughts, so she quickly changed the subject. "What did you say to Amy to make her give up her big wedding plans?"

"I simply told her that I was sort after and that I couldn't detect this happening but would have to consider every offer with a scientific eye, as I was not betrothed."

"You gigolo!"

"That's what she said, " he smiled.

"So you're getting married next Saturday then?" A mixture of strange emotions sprang forth, which she didn't have time to examine because his next train of thought was a little disturbing.

"Yes and I expect given our compatibility level, my nature and current statistics that our marriage should last approximately six years."

"My god Sheldon! Why did you tell me that?" Penny gasped, her water bottle thumped down on the table and a little liquid spilled over the rim. "I hope you didn't say that to her."

"No, I didn't think it wise."

Turning to her companion with pleading eyes she asked. "Why are you getting marred if you think it's not going to last forever?"

"Nothing lasts forever Penny, modern marriages last about five years. Six years is a respectable period. I expect your own marriage to last about three."

She groaned at this. "Oh you do, do you?"

"Yes but I hear that second marriages are usually more successful."

"I'm already on my second marriage," she replied smugly.

"Touché."

Sheldon was getting way ahead of anyone at this point, having deduced that at some point Penny would realize that her marriage to Leonard was going to fail and that she would begin to see Sheldon differently and make her move.

He wondered how he would respond.

Back on planet earth, the blonde was still in the moment and decided to ignore the strangeness of the evening and take things one day at a time, as she always did.

"Well congratulations anyway, and I hope you successfully keep those smart chicks at bay," she said, raising her water bottle once more.

"Thank you Penny."

Penny smirked. "Don't sweat it Casanova."


End file.
